


Tomorrow, Like Yesterday

by mindglitch



Category: Produce 101 (TV), VICTON (Band), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Military, Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Blood and Gore, Character Development, Developing Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Growing Up Together, Hurt/Comfort, Infection, M/M, Minor Character Death, Near Death Experiences, Orphanage, Post-Apocalypse, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-06 10:29:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20289967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mindglitch/pseuds/mindglitch
Summary: Yohan would do anything for Seungwoo - absolutely anything, even if it means joining the military, even if it means leaving the safety of these walls, even if it means coming face-to-face with death itself and risking everything he has because nothing means anything without Han Seungwoo by his side.





	Tomorrow, Like Yesterday

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my first X1 work! I absolutely adore X1 and the relationship they have with one another (especially Seunghan/Yowoo/Hanwoo or whatever their ship name is), so there will be a lot of character, relationship, and plot development along the way as I'm thinking of making this a pretty extensive project with a considerable amount of world-building. 
> 
> In case anyone's interested, my inspiration primarily stems from/is based on [The Last of Us game](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnp4-RoRxSo) ([and its beautiful soundtrack](https://youtu.be/OAr1w8ZnROk)), Train to Busan, ["Lovely"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1Pl8CzNzCw/) by Billie Eilish and Khalid, and of course a little bit of "The Walking Dead".
> 
> Nevertheless, I just wanted to warn you ahead of time that because this is a post-apocalyptic au, it will contain the following: descriptions of blood, gore, and violence, minor character death, moderate profanity, mentions/uses of alcohol, and emotionally intense scenes
> 
> I'll definitely post warnings at the start of each chapter if needed, but fear not as baby line will be excluded from any of these. If you're okay with the content I mentioned above though, then by all means I hope you enjoy!

Yohan remembers when it used to be only him, Junho, and Seungwoo.

He remembers how crowded it was in that old, crumbling building, the three of them packed into one room with half a dozen other children, some screaming, some crying, some tucked quietly away in a dusty corner longing for a family to come and sweep them with warm and loving arms. 

Most nights were somber. It was hard, really, and if anything, more than unfair because none of them ever asked for this, and none of them deserved it; but despite this, rescue rarely ever came. Yohan doesn’t recall anyone ever being adopted in his decade of living there, except for a young girl when he was around seven and a younger boy when Yohan himself was maybe about ten or so. The looks of hope and desperation among the rest of the children almost always melted into dejection and envy when one of the kids was whisked away by a rather well put-together, financially well-off couple. While none of them wanted to acknowledge reality, it also made sense why adoption rarely came - in this kind of world, locked away within the confinement and safety of the walls, getting by was hard enough as it was, let alone with a family, and especially with dead weight.

Seungwoo, though, never seemed really fazed by any of this. 

Han Seungwoo, one of the eldest for as long as Yohan could remember, was the first person he ever really came to admire. At the time, Yohan couldn’t understand how the older was always so calm, so composed with that gentle smile that nearly never left his features even when everything always seemed so miserable for them inside that run-down dungeon, yet Seungwoo somehow always managed to do it.

Everyone was drawn to Seungwoo, but it was Yohan and Junho who undeniably ended up clinging to him the most. Aside from doing chores and walking to school together, Yohan doesn’t really remember how exactly they grew so close, but it eventually came to a time when the three of them became inseparable. Maybe it was because of the way the older’s soothing voice always calmed and lulled them to sleep on those cold nights when they had nothing but thin cheap blankets and the body warmth of them all huddled together. Or maybe it was the way being a leader came as an instinct to him, how he was always so great at taking care of everyone that they couldn’t help but want to cling onto that sense of security, that hopeful feeling that despite all the bad things, it was okay because Seungwoo was here and knew what to do and would take care of them. Whatever it was, Yohan thought that while that creaking, rusted building was hell to live in, it was also their home because Seungwoo made it like home. 

But the world wasn’t kind to them because when Seungwoo finally turned sixteen, like everyone else who came of age, he was given two weeks to prepare for his departure from the orphanage. These kinds of government-run institutions served nothing more than to keep street rats from wandering around within the walls, and Seungwoo, who would soon officially be deemed an adult, would have to leave. 

To Yohan and Junho, Seungwoo was their saving grace.

It was the three of them together or it was nothing, and to say that they admired him would hardly scrape the surface of how much he truly meant to them. So when Seungwoo has to leave, it came to be no surprise how much Yohan and Junho clung and cried and begged for the older to take them along, because this place would never be the same without Han Seungwoo. 

It seems like just yesterday that the three of them left that old orphanage together, satchels slung over their shoulders that contained nothing more than a few changes of clothes, a few days’ worth of food, and barely enough money to get them by before Seungwoo found a construction job and they no longer had to steal just to survive.

It was hard at first - so, _ so _ incredibly hard - but the three of them pulled through. 

And it’s been six years since then. 

Along the way, they’ve picked up a few others too: Woosek, who had been a classmate of Seungwoo’s in school; Minhee and Hyeongjun, who had to scavenge on their own for weeks after their orphanage depleted its funds and had to shut down; and lastly, Eunsang and Dongpyo, who’ve arguably had it the worst after their quarantine was overrun and they had to be evacuated to the nearest safe zone by the military. It was only thanks to Wooseok through his administrative position that the last two were brought into the family, and now here the eight of them are, together under one roof in a run-down apartment complex on the lesser extravagant side of town. 

To say that living inside the walls is hard would be an understatement. 

Every day is stuffy, cramped, and within this city it’s nothing but underground gangs and the occasional military raids on households marked with suspicion of the infection; but at the same time, it’s the walls that protect them from the horror outside, so in a way Yohan supposes he can’t really complain. In a sense, he’s more fortunate compared to others - he has Seungwoo, he has Wooseok, he has Junho and the younger ones, and in these past few years he’s built a good reputation as a supply runner for one of the underground markets. Sure, the job is unpredictable and a little more dangerous than he would like, but it pays well depending on demand and Yohan is more than ecstatic that he can at least take some of the financial burden off Seungwoo and Wooseok. 

While he’s on supply runs and scavenging for anything worthy he can find outside these walls, Yohan knows this brutal living nightmare is reality and he can’t change it no matter how much he wishes the world hadn’t gone to shit. But at the end of the day when he’s back in the walls, safe and sound, gathered around the dinner table with the rest of the guys and ready to dig into whatever those ration cards and meal tickets can provide, Yohan catches a glimpse of what it’s like to actually live rather than just to survive, because it’s moments like these filled with warmth and familiarity that make him forget how suffocating this life can really be. 

“Do you think you’d ever join the military?”

The question comes unexpectedly, especially from someone like Junho, but he says it casually as if it’s a passing comment so Yohan doesn’t think much about the weight it actually holds. 

“I don’t know… I guess not? I don’t need to. Why?”

Footsteps shuffle across the wooden floorboards from down the hall. Yohan hears the sound of cabinet doors creaking open and figures that Junho’s finished checking one of the kids’ rooms and has moved onto the next one. The older himself is currently rummaging through the master bedroom, two backpacks propped on top of the bed with one full and the other unzipped open, already three-quarters filled with a few battery packs, earphones, flashlights, shoes, and home improvement tools from the other houses they’ve scavenged. Hell, he even stumbled across an alcohol stash earlier in the pantry, but knowing Seungwoo would probably kill him if he knew Yohan sneaked even a sip, the latter left most of the stash untouched except for two boxed wine bottles that he carefully stuffs into a backpack. 

They’re pretty lucky this time around, if Yohan can say so himself. 

With the Busan safe zone military having progressed immensely with its territorial expansion within the past few years, it means the safety radius for supply runs by people like Yohan - and soon enough, Junho - has been increasing at a more-than-decent rate. Wider radius means more runs, more runs mean better findings, better findings mean greater pay, and greater pay ultimately means not being stuck with shabby ration cards every day for breakfast, lunch, _ and _dinner. It’s still dangerous though, particularly near the edge of the expansion where the Infected and even some hostile bandits can sometimes infiltrate, but it’s also where the most unlooted places are. Fortunately, the military patrols the safety radius relatively often to secure the area; unfortunately, it also means risking getting caught by soldiers, which isn’t a pretty sight at all based on what Yohan’s seen from military police raids in the safe zone. 

“No reason,” answers Junho from the other room. There’s a short pause before he speaks up again. “I guess, just… why did you choose this?”

“Hm? What do you mean?”

“Why did you decide to do _ this _out of everything? Instead of going with something inside the walls, like the others? It even got you in trouble with Seungwoo-hyung - the first real time I’ve seen him so mad.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Right. Of course Yohan remembers. Even now, two years later, he still remembers how upset Seungwoo had been - calm, collected, always composed Seungwoo who had in that instance raised his voice against Yohan for the first time, expression morphed into disappointment and disbelief. “I- Honestly... if anything, I think he was more upset about me lying to him than about taking the job in the first place. But it’s not like I could’ve just _ told _him. You know he’d say no right off the bat.”

“Yeah… That’s definitely Seungwoo-hyung.” 

“And we _ needed _ the money. After that one quarantine got overrun, food was so fucking expensive and for _ what_?” Yohan clicks his tongue, brows furrowed together at the memory. By now, he’s finished checking the bedroom and has moved onto the master bath. Most of what he encounters is stuff that wouldn’t fetch much in the market anyway (did people in the past really waste electricity to blow-dry their hair?) so he returns to the bedroom. Seeing as it’ll start to get dark soon too and their currently location is a relatively lengthy way back, Yohan figures this house is their last stop. There’s still some room in his backpack though, so he begins picking out a few clothing articles from the drawers and rolling them up to pack too.

“We got through that winter okay,” Junho’s voice chimes from down the hallway. “I know Seungwoo-hyung doesn’t like making us worried, but I saw the expenses from Wooseok-hyung’s checkbook. We needed the extra money, yeah.”

“Thanks for keeping it a secret from them back then. I know it wasn’t hard but, thank you. Even if it only lasted for two weeks.”

“_Hey_! I tried my _ best_!”

Yohan can’t help but snicker.

It takes about another five minutes or so before he’s finally done, bantering along with Junho the whole time like always, and soon enough he finds himself laying back against the mattress, arms crossed under his head and gaze staring up at the ceiling as his eyes trace the maze of cobwebs above him. It’s refreshing, really, whenever he stumbles across homes without any bloodstains. The eighteen year old wonders what happened to the owner of this house, whether they’re at a small quarantine somewhere or if they managed to make it to the Busan safe zone back during the mass evacuations. Most of the details Yohan know derive from what he learned in school and from people who were actually there when shit first hit the fan nearly two decades ago. Seungwoo used to tell him and Junho stories but it’s been a while since then, and Wooseok - well, Wooseok’s never once mentioned a thing about life outside the walls, at least as far as Yohan can remember. 

But honestly? Yohan doesn’t blame him. 

Soon enough, his eyes catch a blur of movement in the corner of his vision, and Yohan props himself up with an elbow as a familiar figure saunters towards him, eyes twinkling.

“Hey hey hey. Guess what I found,” Junho chimes, hands hidden behind his back and the corner of his lips curved upward with the hint of a smile. 

“iPad?” 

“What- Dude, what the _ hell_. How even-”

Yohan bursts into laughter when the other presents the device with an incredulous stare before accepting and inspecting it. As expected, no battery, but either way it’ll definitely sell well in the market. “You really expect me to think you found ammo in a kid’s room or something?” 

“Okay! Okay! We get it! You’re psychic!” 

Rolling his eyes playfully, Yohan gestures for the younger’s backpack before carefully slipping the electronic inside, making sure the bundles of children’s clothing cushion the device well. “_Okay, _Mr. Sarcastic. You did well, alright?” Yohan says this genuinely, with a smile, as Junho zips up the backpack. “Learning things so quickly already. I knew I chose the right successor.” 

“Not a successor if I’m still working beside you!”

“Okay, fine - I knew I choose the right _ partner._ That good enough for you?” 

Rising from the bed, Yohan reaches out to hug Junho’s head to his shoulder, ruffling the younger’s hair with a laugh despite the immediate grumbles of protest. A wave of fondness washes over the former and he gives Junho another ruffle before releasing him to avoid any further complaints. 

“Now stop being so picky. Let’s go home, kiddo.” 

It takes them three hours before they’re finally back home, but it’s safe to say that today is definitely one of their better days.

The moment Yohan unlocks and creaks open the front door to their humble apartment unit, a chorus of “welcome back!” echoes throughout the suite and immediately brings a bright smile to his face. 

“Hey, kiddos,” he beams, slipping off his shoes at the entrance before shuffling over to where a line of hooks extend from the wall near the front of the living room. He hangs his backpacks up, both now empty except for two envelopes that he swiftly retrieves as Junho trudges in right behind him and does the same. "Wait 'til you hear what we got."

Spinning on his heels, Yohan hops over to where some of the younger members of the family are setting up the dining table, excitement evident in both his expression and in the spring in his steps. One of the kids, Hyeongjun, pauses from distributing the silverware to let out a small laugh at the way Yohan’s eyes must be crinkling from his smile. 

“What? Had a good day today?” 

“Not just good. Guess who got us both a grade A ticket _and_ twoGrade B meal tickets!” 

From beside Hyeongjun, Dongpyo’s jaw drops the same way the plate in his hands almost does. “_No _way. You’re not joking right? Please tell me you’re not joking.”

“I‘m _not._ What the hell guys, where’s your faith in me?”

“Language, Yohan.”

The third voice comes from the kitchen - gentle and silky, yet firm and full of authority. 

Startled, Yohan spins around just for his gaze to immediately fall on a familiar face he knows all too well. 

“Oh. H-Hyung. You’re home so early—“

From behind the kitchen counter, Seungwoo hums, tsking playfully. “You don’t want me to be? I’m hurt.”

Obviously, it’s not that. Hell, Yohan is never _ not _ happy to see Seungwoo, and it’s clear as day to anyone who knows them, especially to the latter himself. Fuck him for always teasing. 

Barely stifling a laugh, Eunsang avoids Yohan’s side glare by staring down at the wooden tabletop as he shuffles away towards the kitchen. Yohan trails behind him though, not to intimidate the sixteen year old but instead to sneak up behind Seungwoo and snake his arms around the eldest’s waist as if on instinct, as if it's second nature. 

“You know what I mean,” Yohan sighs in a playfully exasperated manner. “You even had time to shower. That happens, like, once in a blue moon.” 

Yohan doesn’t see Seungwoo’s face until the latter turns his head, and when he does, he has that trademark smile of his, lips pressed together and etched across his features with the corners curved upward, so gentle, so warm that it embodies everything that is Han Seungwoo. 

“We finally finished a project today so they let us go early.” 

“The new apartment complex?”

“Yes, that one. They’ve been trying to relocate people from the old apartments near the financial district to expand the commercial center, so there are going to be a lot of new residential complexes on the east beginning the next few months or so.”

“Does that mean more work for you in the future?”

If Seungwoo’s hands weren’t busy dicing the potatoes, Yohan’s sure they’d reach up to ruffle his hair. It’s a Seungwoo thing - always so touchy and affectionate. “I think it means more work for all of us. It’s better that way, yeah?” 

At that moment, a door opens and shuts from the bedroom corridors, and soon enough Wooseok enters the living room area with a towel draped over his shoulders to catch the dripping water from his hair. It takes him a few seconds but when he finally spots the last two members of the family are finally home, his lips subtly curl up into the ghost of a smile in a way that's wholly Wooseok. 

“Hey, welcome back,” he greets with a nod at the two runners. “Minhee’s still showering but mine is open now.” 

Yohan glances over at Junho who motions for him to go first, so the former starts off in the direction of the bedrooms to retrieve his clothes, on the way passing Wooseok the two envelopes earned from today’s run. 

"Productive day outside?"

"Six ration cards, two Grade B's, an A, and some cash."

"Good work, kid. Glad you're back safe. Chacha too." 

Behind them, Seungwoo calls out a “dinner will be ready when you finish!” and Yohan looks over his shoulders to shoot the other a smile before disappearing around the corner of the corridors for a more than welcomed shower.

As promised, by the time he returns to the living room all fresh and cleaned up, the savory aroma of melted cheese and creamy roasted potatoes welcomes his senses from all sides, as if the fact that it's been hours since his last meal isn't already enough to make Yohan’s stomach grumble or his mouth water at the sight of the soup being carried to the dining table. Small droplets bead down from his hair as he crosses the living room and wastes no time claiming his usual seat near the head of the table where Seungwoo always sits (though not without being scolded by Wooseok for leaving yet another slippery trail) and soon enough Hyeongjun delivers his bowl of potato soup, earning a cheerful “thank you” from Yohan as he scoots his chair in closer. Steam rises from the surface of his meal and the deliciously inviting scent causes him to nibble on his bottom lip in anticipation, but he holds back until everyone else joins him in their seats before they all dive in together at the same time.

The first spoonful practically melts in his mouth, creaminess and buttery texture overloading his palate. One bite in and he already feels loosened up and relaxed after a long day. 

Dinner continues on a light note, maybe even lighter than usual as Seungwoo is home early for once. Junho elaborates on how their run went and places extra emphasis on the iPad and wine bottles they stumbled upon in the last house. 

Hearing this, Seungwoo lifts his head. 

“You two didn’t try any, right?”

“Nope. Yohan wanted to but I was good.” 

“_Hey_! Not true!” 

Hyeongjun snickers, swirling his spoon in his bowl. “Why does it seem like Chacha is the one watching over you instead of the other way around?”

“Man, you guys say that like I haven’t been outside the walls practically every day for the past two years. Haters.“

”This is really coming from the person who burns everything he cooks?”

“Okay, well, maybe I’m outside-inclined and just dedicated to mother nature okay? Maybe I thrive in my natural worldly habitat, in solidarity and away from civilization. So ha, take _that_.”

“God, you’re such a riot. Hyungs, are you sure you want him in charge after you guys leave?”

From the singsong manner Hyeongjun asks, Yohan’s sure the younger is joking - but that's until his eyes catch the way the atmosphere suddenly shifts, the way Wooseok subtly tenses and Seungwoo’s smile falters and Eunsang looks down and everyone seems to freeze. As if that isn't strange enough, Hyeongjun seems to catch himself and backtracks, mouth opened as if to continue but nothing comes out until-

“Oh… No, I-” 

Confusion written in his eyes despite the smile still plastered onto his features, Yohan glances at Seungwoo, then at Wooseok, then back to Seungwoo. “What? Are you guys going somewhere?”

“N-No, what I meant was-” 

“It’s alright, Hyeongjun,” Seungwoo interjects, gentle but firm. A smile still plays at his lips but it’s strained now, just like the rest of his movements. “Yes, we’re going somewhere Yohan, but don’t worry about it for now. I’ll tell you after dinner, alright?”

“Ah… Okay. Sure.” 

It’s weird.

A wave of apprehension washes over Yohan. His eyes flicker from one end of the table to the other, from Wooseok to Seungwoo, but it seems like neither of them nor any of the kids touch on the subject anymore. Instead, Minhee cuts in with an attempt to break the awkward silence and Dongpyo jumps in to help him with Wooseok following along shortly afterwards, but Seungwoo and the rest fall silent for the rest of the meal, finishing their dinner fairly quickly as if to escape the table, the tension, and more specifically, Yohan’s sight. One by one everyone empties their bowl, and in the end he remains the last person still sitting, food grown cold and appetite diminished by the restlessness that makes his stomach churn. He tries to power through and down the soup anyways, but it’s not easy because there’s something going on, something the others know about but haven’t been telling him, and Yohan is afraid of what it may be. 

What did Hyeongjun mean by Yohan being in charge? Where were Seungwoo and Wooseok going? 

From the way everyone reacted, did that mean he was the only one who didn’t know?

Why? 

Seungwoo and Wooseok are quietly conversing in the corner of the kitchen by the time Yohan finally rises and brings his now empty bowl to the sink, where Dongpyo and Eunsang have already begun washing the dishes. Eunsang voices a barely audible thank you but it goes in one ear and out the other because instead, Yohan catches in the corner of his eye how Wooseok gives Seungwoo a pat before the latter departs his side. The next thing Yohan knows, Seungwoo stands before him. 

“Yohan, can I talk to you for a minute?” Seungwoo asks, voice hushed. 

“Yeah. Just… lead the way, I guess.”

And Seungwoo does. They end up in their bedroom - the one they share with Junho - and Yohan follows Seungwoo’s gesture for them to both sit down on the edge of Seungwoo’s bed. Yohan doesn’t know what to expect, but he soon finds out that with this kind of thing, there’s nothing that could ever really prepare him for what he hears next. 

“I’m sorry… you’re _ what_?”

“Yohan…”

“Shit, what the fuck hyung, what the _fuck_? Please tell me you’re kidding. Please, please tell me you’re not serious.”

It’s the first time he’s used this kind of tone at Seungwoo, the first time he’s seen Seungwoo wince under his incredulous and hurt stare, but that’s the least of Yohan’s worries right now. 

“Yohan, please,” Seungwoo pleads, palms lifting for a split second as if to reach for the other’s hands before hesitating and returning them to his side. His expression remains poised, but his eyes - they look panicked. They look almost desperate. “I know it’s hard but—”

“Hard? You think this is just _ hard_? You and me, we’ve been together all this time - all these years, hyung. You, me, and Junho. And now you’re just going to leave us?” 

“Yohan, I could never leave you… You know that. Wooseok and I will come back-” 

“You’re going to the _ fucking _military.” 

Yohan’s yelling by now. He realizes it. His volume climbs higher and higher, voice echoing throughout this desolate room, and he feels his face flush in anger and bewilderment, blood drumming against his ear and in his chest. “This isn’t a fucking joke, hyung. Don’t say that like you’re invincible or some shit because as strong as you are, as smart or fast or good at everything as you are, you and I both know fully well what happens outside these walls so don’t promise me— don’t fucking lie by promising me you’re going to come back when there’s no guarantee you won’t get bitten or killed or turn into those- those _ fucking _ monsters and… and—”

Yohan chokes up, head falling forward and hands flying up to hide the tears now falling freely from his eyes, down his cheeks, dripping onto the sheets below. Everything hits him so suddenly, so fast, so unexpectedly.

Face covered by his palms and eyes shut tight, he hears the sheets ruffle before an arm encloses around his waist to pull him closer into a tight embrace, another arm soon cradling his head and guiding it what he assumes to be Seungwoo’s shoulder, covered by the soft fabric of his shirt that feels so warm, so nice against Yohan’s skin.

“I’m sorry, Yohan. I’m sorry for telling you so suddenly. I’m sorry for not telling you until now.”

It comes out as a whisper, but Yohan hears it. 

Neither of them say anything for awhile. 

Apart from Yohan’s muffled sniffles and sobs against Seungwoo’s shoulder, a silence settles between them and all Yohan can think about is how warm, how soft, how comfortable Seungwoo feels and how he doesn’t want to lose this or Seungwoo or Wooseok to anything or anyone. It’s scary. And it hurts. It hurts so much, thinking, _ knowing _that nothing guarantees their safety and nothing guarantees they’ll be able to return to this very room one day after they step foot outside these walls. 

“I don’t want to lose you,” Yohan finally croaks. “I don’t want to lose you or Wooseok-hyung.” 

Seungwoo cradles him closer, never faltering, never showing a sign of letting go. “I know. I know, Yohan. I don’t want to lose you either.” 

“I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to please, please, please, please—”

Yohan doesn’t know for how long he chants that phrase over and over again, but it spills from his lips like a mantra and they stay there like that for what seems like hours, silent and still with Yohan enclosed by the warmth of Seungwoo’s arms until everything dies down and exhaustion eventually washes over Yohan. 

“Do you want me to stay?” Seungwoo asks when the younger finally draws back. They’re still holding each other as Yohan turns his head and wipes his cheeks against his shoulders, tears no longer falling though his eyes stare ahead, dazed and drained. He doesn’t say anything - just nods wordlessly - but Seungwoo understands and remains by his side just as he's always done, and just as Yohan wishes for him to always do. 

Yohan wakes up the next morning not knowing when he had fallen asleep the night before, but when his puffy swollen red eyes flutter open and awareness slowly seeps back into his consciousness, the room is empty except for Junho who’s sitting upright and resting against the headboard of his bed. 

Looking up when he spots a stir in movement in the corner of his eye, Junho greets Yohan with, “Good morning.” 

“Mm… Morning.”

“Tired?”

“Yeah…”

“The hyungs headed out to get groceries. They’ll be back in an hour or so.”

A pause falls between them, before Yohan sinks into the covers of Seungwoo’s bed and rolls onto his side to catch the younger's gaze. 

“Junho.”

“Yes?”

“Yesterday while we were out on the run… In that last house we visited before heading back, you asked me if I'd ever join the military. You knew, didn’t you?”

The way Junho’s eyes nervously avert away for a second tells Yohan all he needs to know, but the other soon gives a slow nod, setting the book in his hands down onto his lap. 

“I did. I’m sorry.” 

“Did everyone else know too?”

“... Yes. But some of them found out on their own.”

“How?”

“Hyeongjun and Dongpyo accidentally saw the mail from the military when it was delivered. And Minhee - well, Minhee noticed something was weird and coaxed it out of them. We’re all sorry, Yohan. Seungwoo hyung originally wanted to tell you himself tomorrow night, but I guess it really didn’t happen as planned. We didn’t mean for you to find out like this.” 

A heavy sigh escapes Yohan as he runs his hands down his face.

“He was only gonna give me six days with him? And I was the only one who didn’t know? _ God_, I feel so fucking dumb.”

“Hey… it’s not your fault. The hyungs really wanted to tell you. They really did.”

“Then why didn’t they?”

Junho hesitates. “They- They weren’t sure how to.”

“But they told you and Eunsang just fine? They thought I was going to do something reckless, didn’t they?”

“That’s not—”

“When is the deadline to join the military?” The question escapes Yohan's lips before he can stop himself.

Realization and panic flickers in Junho’s eyes, and he immediately shoots up from his leaning position against the bed frame. "Stop, hyung. Don't."

"I'm asking you, Junho - when is the deadline?"

“No, no, no, you are _not _—”

“Look, I’m sorry," Yohan cuts him off. He knows he shouldn't, but he continues despite the guilt that pangs in his chest and makes his heart grow heavier and heavier with each passing second. "I really am, but as much as I really care about you, you can’t tell me what I can’t do. I'm older than you, and I’m old enough to make my own decisions.” 

With this, he slowly pushes himself up from the mattress into a sitting position, one palm flattened against the sheets to support his weight.

“Seungwoo and Wooseok hyung wouldn’t want you to.”

“Junho, I’m eighteen. If they’re allowed to go, then I’m allowed to go.”

“Except the _ difference _ is that their decision isn’t an impulsive choice,” Junho exclaims exasperatedly. “This isn’t something you can decide within a few hours, and even if it is, it doesn’t mean you should. Yeah, sure, you may have experience with the outside more than all of us combined but that doesn’t mean training in the military is gonna be easy."

"But—"

"God, just fucking _li__sten_ to me. I know you’re worried about Seungwoo-hyung, okay? We all are. Even for him it must be scary, but that’s exactly the reason why Wooseok-hyung is coming along too so that he _isn't _alone out there. It’s hard to accept - yeah, I get that. But I know that even _you _know that anyone else will just be a burden.”

Yohan’s eyebrows furrow together, frustration beginning to build, but he forces himself to keep his voice hushed. 

“You say that like I can’t take care of myself,” he retorts. “Okay yeah, I’m not as strong as Seungwoo or as smart and quick-witted as Wooseok, but I can handle myself when I need to.” 

“Maybe you can, but do you really think they won’t worry? Do you honestly think they’ll be completely fine with leaving you to do whatever you want just because you say you’ll work hard or something? Because the truth of the matter is that no matter how good you may be and how well your training goes, they’ll still have to worry about you when they already have each other to worry about, and if that isn’t even more dangerous, then I don’t know what is.” 

God, Junho is right.

Fuck, he’s so fucking right, and Yohan feels so irritated not because Junho doesn’t get it, but because he _does_ and everything he says is logical and reasonable while Yohan is the complete opposite and a complete mess. As much as Yohan wants to refuse and reject and ignore it, he knows he’s a liability, knows he’ll be a hindrance and a distraction especially if he falls behind, but he doesn’t want that. 

This dependency he has on the two eldest… It’s not healthy. It’s scary. 

So many years have passed where only Seungwoo and Wooseok took care of all eight of them, and if there’s anything Yohan wants more, it’s to be able to finally repay them back, stand by their side, and be able to share their burden. Yes, he can do that here, safely within the walls by watching over the kids, but he also knows that if anything happens to Seungwoo or Wooseok out there, the thought that he could’ve been there to help them yet he wasn’t would haunt him for life. 

Maybe part of him wants to earn their approval and to no longer be seen as a kid who needs saving. Or maybe part of him just can’t bear to live every single day from here on fearing that one of the only two people who have always been by his side will finally leave him for good. 

Yohan, who’s been staring soundlessly down at the sheets covering him, heaves a deep sigh and finally moves. His legs glide across the mattress underneath his - Seungwoo’s - blanket before they dangle off the edge of the bed, feet meeting the cool wooden floorboards below. 

“You’re right, Junho,” Yohan admits. He forces his voice to not waver, but it comes to be so much harder than he thinks. “Everything you say is absolutely true because I’ll never be as good as them, and even if I am, I’ll end up causing them trouble no matter what. So if I can’t do it for them, then at the very least please let me do it for myself.”

"Hyung... I get it, alright? I really, really do, but, just... just-" There's a pause, followed by a sigh. "Oh, fuck..."

Catching sight of the defeated look in Junho’s eyes, Yohan slowly rises from the bed, comes over, and draws the younger close, hugging Junho’s head to his chest. 

“I’m sorry for forcing this on you,” he begins. “I’m sorry, but please keep it a secret - for everything it’s worth all these years? Please let me do this.” 

With that, Yohan’s arms retreat to his side and he pulls away without waiting to hear an answer, crosses the room, and disappears past the now closed door, leaving nothing behind him but a sad, defeated silence. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you've manage to reach this far, first off I just want to say thank you so much for taking the time to read this! It's been awhile since I've last written a fic so I'd say my writing skills are pretty rusty, but I hope I can hone them a bit more to improve the flow and characterization and make this experience as enjoyable as I can for you guys. 
> 
> As usual, comments are always welcome because they motivate me to actually get to writing, so please feel free to provide any feedback and thoughts whether it's on here or twitter or cc because I'd be more than happy to talk and interact with you all! Once again, thank you so much for your support and I'll be looking forward to cranking out more content soon!
> 
> [au twt acc ](https://twitter.com/yorangdanfics)  
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